Tag Archives: habit

Authenticity and consistent relationships…

January 27, 2010

Why do people expect their children to behave better in front of strangers than at home, yet expect their horses to behave better at home than in front of strangers?

Both situations are the product of training and relationship. Why the difference? Perhaps the answer is two-fold.

  1. We expect our children to be able to discern situational nuance.
  2. Most owners understand that horses get creative when it is least convenient.
Train 'em while they're young!

Train 'em while they're young!

So, how do these simple observations explain the difference? When we teach our children to have inconsistent responses we get one set of manners for company and one for home. When we allow our horses to give inconsistent responses we get a quiet, obedient horse at home, and one who is likely to behave impulsively in an unfamiliar environment. Both situations appear to be woven from one common thread; inconsistent training.

Do You Ever Surprise Yourself?

We returned home last night after attending a beautiful family wedding in Seattle. Amid strange surroundings and among folks we don’t see often, I used phrases I don’t normally (nothing horrible) and deviated from daily routines (commitments) that caused me to ponder such things.

Horses are consistent and obedient through relationship with the one they consider their leader. Children are consistent and obedient through relationship with their parents.

Relationship Determines Behavior

Christians are consistent and obedient through relationship with God, their Leader and Parent. The inconsistency that produces two sets of manners in children is the fault of their parents, and the variance of behavior by a horse is the fault of its trainer. Authenticity in the life of a Christian is a product of relationship with God. It is a pretty safe bet that the fault for any variance will be ours.

Behavior is rooted in one of two habits; a habit of obedience or a habit of task. The habit of obedience leads to consistency regardless of setting. The habit of task only serves when location and circumstances remain the same.

Are your relationships with your children, your horse, or with God, based more on obedience or routine? I discovered I still need a little work on obedience.

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The habits of relationships – have you lost your edge?

October 26, 2009

We know that relationships are never static, either progressing or regressing. The frantic level of activity in our lives these days has all but eliminated a key element of effective leadership and healthy relationships: time for reflection.

Functioning relationships operate under one of two formulas, habit of task or habit of obedience.

This point was brought home to me again this morning as I went to the barn to let the horses out to graze for the day. The continuing wet conditions have made it impossible to ride more than once or twice in the past month or so. I have good relationships with the horses, well established as the leader.

At least I thought so. Yes, we have functioning relationship. However, the horses have devolved from their habit of obedience to a habit of task. What’s the difference? They are not disrespectful, but not actively respectful.

As I entered the first stall to open Asti’s gate I realized she was waiting for my ACTION (habit of task,) not my DIRECTION (habit of obedience.) I asked her to soften to me and obey my body language to yield her body. She moved off. It took only a moment to do a quick exercise to get her attention properly focused again and out she went.

I repeated this with the others, having to work just a bit longer to get them into obedience mode and their mind off the grass waiting outside the gate. I didn’t enter their pens thinking I would be doing lessons, so had neither halter nor lead rope. I used my hand on the bridge of the nose to ask each one to bend their head around to me, looked at their hip and “suggested” they yield it softly. We got it done (after a fashion) and I left the barn understanding that I was failing to maintain a proper relationship with each of our horses.

Sure I’ve been busy. Haven’t we all? The truth is I have overlooked what are very important relationships in favor of other activities and priorities. This is necessary at times and hopefully we know that we have shuffled priorities before relationships become seriously damaged.

The ponies and I will be spending more time together. We will reestablish the habit of obedience. Their lives will be enhanced as will mine.

How are your relationships doing? Are you simply doing tasks, or are you properly relating to children, staff, friends and most importantly, to the Lord?

Build time into your busy lives to reflect. Without regular evaluation the relationships that are most important in our lives tarnish from neglect.

Make the time. You will be blessed, as will those you love.

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Character and consistency of action go hand-in-hand

October 17, 2009

Any time you take notice of a specific action or occasion of speech it is usually because they were ‘out of charcter’ for the person acting or speaking.

Some parents will list the specific instances when they were “really there” for one of their children. They wonder why the kids aren’t close to them. Look at what they did for those kids! The reason they have a list available for immediate recall is that those benificent actions were not the norm; they were out of character. Sure, the folks did a few nice things for the kids, but they are remarkable only because they stand out as exceptions to the rule.

Bill O’Reilly is known to challenge people who accuse him of acting outside what he considers his normal boundaries to “give me an example.” If they can, then the specific comment was probably out of character.

What we habitually do never creates headlines or brings reward in the routine of our daily lives. It is only when we act or speak out-of-character that the specifics will be remembered.

Our character is formed by repetition of behaviors and thought patterns that become habit. We are how we live. The person who does one outstanding deed often receives the biggest award. The one who consistently serves is frequently overlooked.

Which person would you rather be? Would you rather be of generous character, frequently unnoticed, or have the suitable-for-hanging certificate on your office wall?

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Habits, character and crisis

September 10, 2009

It has always been true that crisis reveals what we are made of; it does not change or add anything. In crisis we revert to habit. Our true character will always come through when we are sorely pressed.

Crisis is defined as danger, whether it is physical, spiritual or emotional. In a crisis, something or someone we care for is in peril. Our ability to defend is entirely based on our habits, our present fitness to do battle.

I took karate lessons for a brief time 36 years ago. Family circumstances prevented me from continuing even though I loved the experience. What I learned is that karate can provide a good defense against attack only if the punches, kicks and blocks are habit – they are so ingrained by repetition and practice that they have become automatic, reflexive reactions to the moves of the enemy. I learned only enough karate to get myself killed had I attempted to rely on it for defense.

Christians can only be centered in crisis when we are centered in Christ. We can be thoughtful and effective in taking action when that is our habit. Otherwise we revert to self-centeredness or a deer-in-the-headlights freeze. In either of these instances we do not provide assistance, we require assistance.

What is your habit?

You never have to get ready for a crisis if you are always ready. Christ will come again in a moment; there will be no further opportunity to get ready. Being ready is a habit, continually practiced and maintained as a skill, just like karate.

The work of rising to the critical occasion is done in the day-to-day workshop of life. Being centered in Christ is done the same way, in the day-to-day expansion and renewal of your relationship with Him.

In crisis you behave as you are, not as you want or hope to be. You are as you live. Your character is reflected in your actions, not your words. If you were to lose your ability to speak, what would you communicate to those around you?

Practice what you hope to be until it becomes habit. Then you will be ready in any crisis.

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